Fundamentals of BDSM

OK, so something deep inside you is gnawing away, that gut instinct that you are trying to compress, telling you that you want to submit or you want to Dominate another person for sexual pleasure or physical / emotional gratification, yet, you’ve seen the images on the internet and you’ve read the horror stories related to BDSM and are probably thinking you are a bit of freak – right? Oh so wrong.

Are you normal?
In truth, these days i don’t believe in the word ‘normal’ to me ‘normal’ has no definition.

Is it natural?

yes, completely. Just because society is telling you it isn’t natural, does not mean it is not natural to you. We are all individuals, we all have individual thoughts, fantasies, sexual urges, feelings and definitions of love. People who live in the D/s lifestyle or who have an active interest in BDSM are not freaks; we work, we play, we have families, we wear normal clothes and we interact, love and respect the people in our lives who do not understand why or how we could feel this way. We call them ‘vanilla’. Nearly all of us in some form or another, have to live our D/s and vanilla lives separately because that is what society can accept and we play along quite happily, but what is never natural is to think of ourselves as freaks and deny who we really are. All you have to do is look at the enormity of the BDSM community, the number of fetish clubs, play parties, forums and online chat rooms to realise that you are not alone, there are hundreds of thousands of people who feel exactly the same as you do.  

Understanding BDSM
Understanding BDSM, D/s, M/s or ‘the Lifestyle’ can be so very confusing for a newbie whos interest is peaked enough to now want to explore. You need to satisfy that thirst for knowledge and to prove to yourself that the urges you are feeling and have likely felt for the majority of your adult life (subconciously or not) are natural and not some bi-product of insanity. So, where to start? Oh my god, there is just so much to discuss that there is no way we would get it all covered here, but we will try to help and here is a good of a place to start as any. Please note that this is advice and guidance only, we are not experts and BDSM is all a matter of personal taste, so we won’t get all your questions answered, but we can have a damn good go.

BDSM is an acronym that stands for;
Bondage & Discipline
Dominance & Submission
Sadism and Masochism 

BDSM comes in many, many forms, and there are as many different disciplines, thoughts and practices as there are those that have these desires. BDSM can be as simple or as imaginative as a consenting individual or couple wants to make it, from an erotic spanking or tying your partner to the bedposts, giving or accepting verbal commands, through to a complex and intense full on scene.

SSC
Any scene or long term D/s, M/s relationship should always abide by the code of SSC – SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL;

Safe – means that even when we play hard, we play safe and never cause any true harm to our partner(s) either physically, emotionally or psychologically. There is a huge difference between the giving and recieving of pain in any degree (mild or severe) for sexual gratification and actually causing real harm that is beyond the realms of limits and pre-negotation. BDSM play should always be as safe as possible although nothing is ever really 100% safe or risk free. Communication, safe words and preparation are vital, as is ensuring the aftercare for both submissive and Dominant.  

Sane – means we don’t play when intoxicated (pissed or stoned), angry, or in a mind set where we cannot determine boundries and evaluate the risk. Limits are discussed and although they may be pushed, hard limits are never overstepped (this doesn’t mean that limits can’t change within the evolution of a relationship). In short, we look out for each other. It is a Dom/mes responsibility to ensure the mental and physical welfare of Thier submissive at all times during a scene (and out of it) and a submissives’ responsibility to constantly and honestly communicate with their Dom/me (as much as us subs may think so sometimes, Dom/mes are not mind readers).  You have to differentiate between what is possible and what really should stay within the realms of fantasy.

Consensual – this is what makes those who practice SSC, different from abusers. It means that both submissive and Dom/me have communicated prior to a scene and have given T/thier consent to each other (either directly before, or within the known boundries of a longer term relationship). Yes, BDSM is consensual and should never ever be forced – otherwise it is just called abuse and there is no place for abuse within this Lifestyle. Every participant has the right to stop a scene at any time by using safe words (which should have been previously established) or other pre-designated methods. If consent is withdrawn, it should be honoured immediately.

The point is, no matter how far off this planet this Lifestyle may seem to the vanilla world, exploring D/s and BDSM can and should be done safely, honourably and sensibly. Trust, communication and respect are common words that are often thrown about in many of today’s societies but in the BDSM community they are words to live by, like a religion, they are gospel.

So, where to start
Maybe you have just woken up to these desires or maybe you already have a partner that you would like to experiment with. First and foremost – go slow! Many newbies often get an element of ‘D/s fever’ (thankyou Sir Arjun for that nugget of terminology) and are over taken with impatience, you know this world and these opportunities exist and you want to try it all now!

There are so many questions to ask yourself;
Do you just want a play partner or are you seeking a longer term relationship?
Do you know what your own limits are?
Are the rules the same as the rules of vanilla ‘dating’?
How open are you to your own sexuality?
Do you want a one-on-one relationship or are you willing to play with multiple partners at the same time? 
Do you want to explore bi-sexuality or transgender play?
Do you want to explore both your Dominant and submissive side or are you clear that you are either one or the other?
Do you even want to experience BDSM on a physical level or are you more drawn towards the psychological?

The first thing is to do a little soul searching, be totally honest with yourself; if you can’t do that, you will never be totally honest with anyone else and that can be damaging and dangerous. Make a list of your desires, the things that you have always wanted to try but until now you haven’t really allowed yourself to think about. Then, make a second list of your limits; firstly your hard limits, namely those things that you just will not move on and no-body can ever make you budge and secondly your soft limits, those things that you do not like the thought of at all, but with the right partner you would be willing to have those limits pushed, perhaps even removed. Don’t forget that these lists are going to change, whatever you feel right now, i can almost guarantee is not how you will feel with a little more experience, but for now, this will form the fundamentals of Y/you as a Dominant or as a submissive

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One Response to “Fundamentals of BDSM”

  1. dowhatIwant Says:

    I have a new girl that is a sub. It is all new to me. I do understand the dynamic of how she yeanrs to be dominated and what it takes to maintain the mutual respect required to do this. trouble is we are miles from each other. An internet things. I have never met a more wonderful woman in my life. I just feel i should try to fulfill all her needs to the best of my ability. We have talked about it. She was skeptical at first and I have not pushed it. DO I need to be patient? any thoughts ?

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