D/s Compatibility

In almost any relationship it is important to have or attain some kind of compatibility with one’s partner. If we are very lucky we may just find a natural compatibility with a partner who has the same or similar likes and dislikes as us. This natural compatibility will probably extend to things other than D/s, for example, having similar tastes in music, hobbies, leisure pursuits etc. Now, if one finds a partner as compatible as this we may well describe them as a soulmate, and once found we ought to do our utmost to hang onto them, because they don’t come round very often, if at all!

Having a natural instinct for the needs and wants of the other person is not something that is found too often. However I do believe that with some application we can “engineer” a compatibility with our partner through good communication and being attentive to their needs. Of course there must be some compatibility at least to start with, but that can certainly be improved upon immensely by working at it.

It is unlikely that the pain threshold of a submissive will naturally match the sadistic levels of a partner Dominant. On one hand the submissive may have a higher threshold than the Dominant is prepared to meet, or similarly they may achieve their threshold before the dominant has even begun to sate his need to apply pain to another. In either case one or both can end up either unfulfilled or at worst hurt, emotionally or physically or both.

So, the art is to extend either the time it takes to reach a threshold for one or both parties. Perhaps the simplest way to do this is to add an extra dimension to whatever action is happening. For example, if flogging, then add some time away from that to create more emotional response in ones partner, or divert the attention with, for example clamps on the nipples or use of the voice. In each case what we are doing here is to achieve an extension of the time it takes to get to a specific point. Now that distraction might be “more pain”, applied in a different way or place, or it may be more sensual, like touching, or even a diversion from that pain already there, using voice or massage or something like that. In each case what we are doing is “engineering” the response we need, whether that be a diversion, or more endorphin production, or more mental than physical attention. All these serve to do one thing, which is to extend the time we have available before reaching a limit. Remember too, that if we are, say, flogging, to leave the flogging for a few minutes may well allow the endorphin reaction to better take place which, in itself will naturally increase limits and endurance, perhaps matching more the needs of a partner than if the flogging were simply carried out without any break or diversion.

The art of compatibility engineering is not of course, just about play. It’s about life choices. It may help to try and appreciate the things our partner likes. Don’t dismiss stuff out of hand, but give it a chance; let them explain why they like a particular kind of music, or a particular author. This not only gives the opportunity to appreciate the partner’s likes, but will naturally induce better communication, and a closer affinity. Of course the art of communication is paramount. While we may try all sorts of things to promote better compatibility unless we have good communication we will never know if those things work effectively or not.

Communication is important both before and after the event. Before is useful in planning what will occur, and enabling both of you to understand when and how certain things might happen. After the event enables each to let the other know what worked and what didn’t. Remember that there will always be some things which don’t work for you however well planned they may be. Communication and discussion afterwards will mean those actions can either be left out or changed next time. All the time this communication will mean that we are creating (engineering) a better compatibility between one another.

We do not have an inbuilt knowledge of how our partner thinks, and what they crave and desire, as well as what they don’t like. Only through time, effort, hard work and application will this come. Remember too that there will also be failures, nothing is perfect, and we can’t expect our choices and decisions to be right all the time. Use these as learning opportunities, take something from them, and improve what you do next time.

Engineering compatibility is not a new idea but it is definitely something that we all ought to pursue in our D/s. It can only make us better at what we do.

© D/s seekers 2005

Special thanks to MG and cleo from the D/s seekers website for allowing the reposting of this article.  

 

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